


columnated ruins domino

by radiodurans



Series: The Sand Dunes [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe: 1D was a Sixties Band, Alternate Universe: Harry Styles went Solo in the Sixties, Artist Profile, F/M, Gen, M/M, Metafiction, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25741825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiodurans/pseuds/radiodurans
Summary: As could be expected from an album that has both a ‘censored’ and ‘uncensored’ version, Light is familiar with controversy. It looms large in the Sand Dunes lore – the album that broke up the band. Its existence is the dividing point between two eras of the Sand Dunes – known commonly to fans as the “Styles” and “Post-Styles” eras. While the band has had a rotating cast of members since its inception, nothing else in the lore rivals the almost-mythic loss of Harry Styles.orTHE H. STYLES BAND PRESENTS: LIGHT (UNCENSORED)
Relationships: Harry Styles/Sarah Jones/Mitch Rowland, Mitch Rowland/Harry Styles, Sarah Jones/Harry Styles, Sarah Jones/Mitch Rowland
Series: The Sand Dunes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1881835
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	columnated ruins domino

**Author's Note:**

  * For [keep_calm_and_ks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/keep_calm_and_ks/gifts).



> This is like a really really self-indulgent piece. Feel free to tell me if it makes no sense or if you want more of it (and if so - what do you want more of eyes.emoji.)
> 
> The concept for this originated in original fiction I was writing a year ago but I was never happy with it then and I'm a lot happier with it now. I hope you guys like it too.
> 
> Title from Surf's Up by The Beach Boys.

Harry Styles is sitting in a small green room in Madison Square Garden, smiling brightly. He has an easygoing air for a person in his 70s, chatting with everyone who comes inside, and cracking jokes about his knees when people bend down to shake his hand or, in the case of his sister, kiss him on the forehead.

“She’s been in more of these rooms than she can count,” says Harry as she wanders away. “Amazing that she still comes, honestly.”

Unfailingly by Harry’s side sits Mitch Rowland, his quiet yet beloved collaborator of fifty years. Next to him, his wife, Sarah Jones. The three of them seem to share a secret language, communicating much through saying little. Tonight, they’re going to share some of that secret language live with an audience. Harry Styles’ _Light: Uncensored_ is going to be performed with full instrumentation tonight, in front of an arena audience of thousands. Outwardly, Harry seems unphased by all of the hubbub surrounding it.

“It’s really exciting to get to finally play it as it was meant to be heard. I think people will really like it – we wrote some really good music back then,” he says.

Sarah ruffles his hair – still thick, even now. She’s drowning in a pink sweater, tiny from age but lively all the same.

“Don’t let him fool you. He’s terrified. Thinks it’s going to be godawful,” she says.

“It’s a healthy fear,” says Harry. He looks up at the ceiling and grinds his teeth a little bit.

“He was vomiting all yesterday. Couldn’t even take his heart medication,” says Sarah. Mitch grabs his hand and squeezes.

“It’s okay to be nervous,” he says quietly.

Harry leans his head on Mitch’s shoulder, looking pensive. He rubs his thumb over the back of Mitch’s hand, saying nothing. After a few minutes of silence, he lets go of Mitch’s hand and claps him heavily on the back.

“Nah. It’s going to be great, isn’t it?” he says with a grin.

[IMAGE: Harry, Sarah, and Mitch standing with their arms around each other. Harry is subtly leaning against the back wall of the green room with the other two holding him up. His hair is long and grey, mirroring Mitch’s which is longer and greyer. He’s wearing a colorful psychedelic tunic that seems to dare you to find patterns in it and is decked out in kitchy jewelry. Mitch is all in black; Sarah is in her pink sweater. All of them are smiling. **Caption:** **Harry Styles, Sarah Jones, and Mitch Rowland at Madison Square Garden.** ]

One could forgive Harry for nerves, were he to own up to them. Even censored, _Light_ is a deeply personal album. The record is notable for its resonant themes of youth, self-exploration, and generational anxiety. It’s also objectively _great_ , so much so that a significant chunk of the record was considered un-tourable in the 60s due to its complexity. Over the years, both Harry and his former band, The Sand Dunes, have used a variety of methods to approximate the sound of their more popular tunes from the album. Heated debates rage on fan forums about which hobbled versions most closely approximate what _Light_ “should” sound like on tour. Creating an “official” version of certain songs that will rival the versions currently touring with The Sand Dunes is bound to stir up controversy for years to come.

As could be expected from an album that has both a ‘censored’ and ‘uncensored’ version, _Light_ is familiar with controversy. It looms large in the Sand Dunes lore – the album that broke up the band. Its existence is the dividing point between two eras of the Sand Dunes – known commonly to fans as the “Styles” and “Post-Styles” eras. While the band has had a rotating cast of members since its inception, nothing else in the lore rivals the almost-mythic loss of Harry Styles.

“I won’t listen to any Sand Dunes albums after 1966,” says one of the many passionate female fans present for the Madison Square Garden _Light_ concert. “The band has been living a half life ever since then. H was and _is_ the Sand Dunes – whatever else is touring is just a zombie cash cow shuffling around.”

For his part, Harry seems to find the entire concept of “Styles” and “Post-Styles” eras humorous.

“I think they’re still a good band,” he says with a little shrug. “Fans are always a little dramatic, aren’t they? But if they weren’t good, they wouldn’t still be touring.”

Curious about how far that praise goes, I ask him if he’s seen them on tour lately.

“No. I’ve been busy,” he says with the air of the faux-casual.

Later that evening, another fan tells me that Harry has never seen the Sand Dunes on tour without him.

“We check the audience every time, but he’s never there,” she says.

[Image: Vintage Photograph. Harry Styles, long-haired, twenty-two and wiry singing into a microphone onstage. Surrounding him, his bandmates. Left to right: Niall Horan (Lead Guitar), Liam Payne (Drums), Louis Tomlinson (Bass), Zayn Malik (Keys & Secondary Percussion) All are matched to a theme – California surfer. Harry’s Hawaiian shirt is unbuttoned all the way down. **Caption:** **The Sand Dunes – 1964. Chicago** , **IL** ]

The concept for _Light: Uncensored_ began 25 years ago. Harry’s band (then known as “CHASMN” as a tribute to the names of their individual band members) were embarking upon their now-infamous ‘Roses and Thorns’ tour. Simultaneously, the twenty-fifth anniversary of _Light_ was fast approaching. Due to the album’s fame (and infamy), Louis Tomlinson wanted to push for a re-release of the album. Though he had not spoken to Harry for years, he reached out to ask if Harry still had access to any of his old demos. Harry’s mouth twists with displeasure as he recalls the absurd request.

“He said, ‘Do you have any of the _good_ demos left?’ And the way he said _good –_ I knew. So I told him that – sorry! – they were lost to time. Which he obviously knew was a lie but – what was he going to do? Ransack my house for the truth?”

Harry laughs at his own joke, though the memory still seems painful to him. He folds his hands in front of him before continuing.

“Since there was audience demand for _Light_ , we re-shaped the ‘Roses and Thorns’ tour to feature our own versions of the songs. The demos that I had got incorporated into the act, if it seemed like they would add something. I don’t know if it would be accurate to say we “toured _Light_ out of spite” but –”

“We toured _Light_ out of spite,” says Sarah with her nose wrinkled up in delight. Harry laughs again.

“ _Jesus_. Yeah, alright. So we toured _Light_ a little bit out of spite. _Mostly_ out of love but –”

Mitch frowns at this sentiment.

“Didn’t you say ‘Fuck George Bush! Fuck the government! Gay power!’ at every concert?”

Harry clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth and looks up at the ceiling.

“Alright. So, ‘Roses and Thorns’ was about seventy percent spite. But it turns out in 1991 – that’s exactly what people wanted.”

[IMAGE: Distance shot of the ‘Roses and Thorns’ tour in London. CHASMN from the left: Adam Prendergast (Bass), Ny Oh (Keys, Secondary Percussion), Sarah Jones (Drums), Harry Styles (Lead Singer & Rhythm Guitar), Charlotte Clark (Keys), Mitch Rowland (Lead Guitar). Harry’s suit sparkles under the lights. **Caption: CHASMN – 1991. London, England** ]

By happenstance, the 25th anniversary of _Light_ neatly lined up with the invention of affordable camcorders, which allowed the tapes to be shared easily between fans. Vitally, these tapes were shared easily in-between _gay_ fans who quickly spread the news to _other_ gay fans – _Hey! Did you know that **Light** is actually gay?_ Though Harry had not been hiding his queerness since he left the Sand Dunes, he hadn’t really made it a part of his act up until that point either.

“I never wanted that to be the first thing people thought of, when they thought of me,” says Harry. “But I came to realize that pretending that part of me didn’t exist was hurting me, creatively. And fans – they know when you’re not being truthful with them and they like when you are. So, I think in the end, we did the right thing.”

Judging by the counts on the YouTube videos of his concerts, his fans would agree. Harry’s career is meticulously documented on that website, with his performances racking up millions of hits. Fans are particularly obsessive about songs from _Light_ , creating intricate lyrical analyses that frequently involve theories as to why certain lyrics are different on the album proper. For better or worse, this speculation often delves into Harry’s personal life – his relationship with the (presumed) straight members of the Sand Dunes, his relationship with Mitch and Sarah, his sexual orientation, and even his gender. At 74, Harry doesn’t have a lot of answers, but he doesn’t seem to mind, either.

“People are happier when they interpret the music how they like,” he says. “Playing these songs uncensored – I just want to nudge them in the right direction.”

He says _nudge_ with a little smile right into his microphone. Harry is sitting down for mic check because he, “like[s] to save [his] knees for when the magic happens.” His eyes are fond as he watches Mitch go – _Check! One, two. Check, one, two!_ The guitar hung over his body sways on his hips when he learns forward to say the words.

“I hate your knees, you know that?” says Harry when the engineers inform Mitch that his mic is adjusted properly. Mitch lifts one leg and sways it, obviously showing off his relative dexterity.

“Yeah, I know,” he says. Harry waves his hand at him and scoffs dismissively.

“I go for a run every day for seventy years and in the end it still comes down to genetics. I mean, seriously, Mitch spent most of the sixties stoned and microdosing LSD and taking naps and he’s ten times healthier than I was ten years ago,” says Harry. Mitch swings the guitar behind him and holds out his hand. Harry grabs it, rises to his feet, and is pulled into a surprise hug. He gives a long, slow exhale and settles into Mitch’s arms.

It’s difficult to hear from my place in the wings, but it sounds like Mitch says, “We’re just happy you’re here, H.”

[IMAGE: Harry sitting on the edge of the stage, alone. His grey hair is tied to the side and he looks thoughtful. The lights around him are dim. **Caption: Harry Styles at Madison Square Garden.** ]

It’s not until an hour before the performance that I’m finally able to get Harry fully alone. After hyping up everyone in the green room with a clapping game, he takes me by the wrist, and steers me outside. The noise of New York City smacks our ears as the summer heat bears down on the asphalt. I start to sweat as Harry pulls a package of gum out of his pocket.

“I’ll never get used to New York. It’s so loud,” says Harry. He hands me a piece of gum (though I don’t ask for one) and takes a piece of his own. We play rapid fire questions as we chew. Most recent book – _The Vegetarian_. Favorite play – _Angels in America_. Most recent movie – _Blue is the Warmest Color._ When sirens pass, he winces. I ask him when he plans to return to California.

“Well, we’re just off a pretty long tour, so we’re going to go home after this, I think. Have some ideas for new music so I’d like to get to work on them,” he says. Harry leans against the wall and lets out a sigh. I ask him if it’s ever hard to tour the music he wrote when he was 23 years old – mentally or physically.

“It can be hard when people seem to believe that was the time in your life that defined you the most,” he says. “I knew almost nothing about myself, or really about anything, when I was 23. I always hope the people out in the audience know they’re seeing someone on the other side of that and that the people out there are interested in the kind of artist I have become, too.”

Just then, a young stage assistant walks outside with a big grin on her face. Apparently, she has won the jackpot as the lucky low-level employee to go find the very flighty Harry Styles and alert him that it’s a half hour to show. Before we return inside, she asks for a selfie, and he happily obliges.

“I’ve seen all of your old concerts online,” she says. “I was so excited for the chance to meet you.”

After giving him a hug, she falls back into place backstage without saying anything else. Harry seems touched by the moment – surely, some of those concerts had to have occurred before the girl was even born.

“There’s been a resurgence of younger fans at the last few tours – late teens and twenties. A lot of the older music, especially, resonates with them,” he says.

The two of us stand at the open door to the green room, peering in but unseen.

“All I have to do is not let them down. Piece of cake.”

Before I can probe further, he waltzes into the green room with rock star energy.

“Who’s ready for an amazing show!” he says with his whole chest. Everyone in the room cheers. I hover by the doorway as Sarah and Mitch each give him a kiss on the cheek. All of them are as ready as they’ll ever be.

_The H. Styles Band is playing Light: Uncensored at Madison Square Garden this Thursday and Friday._


End file.
